Thursday, November 13, 2014

Even The Stars Burn Out

Now is as good a place as any, right in the middle of all the cutesie beginnings, to touch on the fact that it's kinda, sorta over.  Somewhat.  Why did a respectable woman participate anyway?  Why did I agree?  I rationalized that if he consented to cheat, after all it was his big, fat idea, it meant his marriage was not rock solid and you know the old saying, "All's fair in love and war."   If he thought I had something to offer, I was willing to give it.  It was romantic, it was passionate, I felt like I deserved to know that intensity of emotion.  He was convincing, but I won't blame him entirely.  I acted of my own free will.  I struggled with the wrongness of it.  Any shame I felt was overridden by the blood boiling excitement of it.  He told me he loved me repeatedly, his eyes lit up when he saw me.  You can't fake that kind of emotion.  One morning, he asked what I'd do if he asked me to leave Jay.   NO man had ever asked me that before, I'd never considered it.  But once asked, I seriously thought about it and knew, without a doubt, for the first time in my life, I could have a different life.  And I knew I'd be happier.  I've never been as content as I was then.  

One afternoon, we were talking in my office; I'd stayed past closing, Gail ran up the stairs, plopped down at my desk.  Midway in the conversation, he stood, walked over to the window, turned to me, "What would you say, if I said, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?"  I still hear his voice.  Without hesitation, I smiled broadly, "Yes."  His eyes were sparkly and he teased, "I knew you'd say that."  Certainly it was a hypothetical query, but he proposed it, nonetheless.

That was a wonderful summer.  I felt bulletproof.  Every meeting, every encounter, he planned with enthusiasm.  Autumn, he arranged for us to spend a couple days together, with an overnight.  I could have walked on water.  Yes, yes, an exaggeration, but girls are romantically nonsensical like this. 

In all my 59 years, it's the only night I've ever spent with another man.   And I was over-the-moon.  Then 'it' comes, the Monday morning following our one and only overnight rendezvous, when his tone changed markedly.  I KNEW  something was 'off,' I pressed him . . pressed for months.  He avoided any direct confrontation over the matter, would not admit he wanted our physical relationship to be over, but emails slowed, meetings stretched to months apart instead of weekly.  I honestly thought I was losing my mind.  He'd say, "Nothing lasts forever, not even the stars; even the stars burn out"  Weeks pass and he confessed, he had assumed I'd get the message from the change in frequency of our get-togethers.  WHO DOES THAT??!!  I'm telling you, without reservation, while never easy, it is merciful to discuss difficult issues like this, face to face.  It is cruel to leave someone wondering. 

Honestly, the most 'detestable' thing he ever said to me is, "But we can still be friends."   I hate it because he's serious.  His life is totally fine without me in it on an intimate level.   But he stays in touch.  And we see each other out and about, often.  I HATE IT!

It's been six years since he first slipped into an 8th grade basketball game and together we watched my daughter cheer.  Undetected lovers.  

Lacey's graduated high school two years ago.  I deeply regret I behaved like a teenager the ENTIRE time she was in high school.  I can't get this time back.  I can't say he acts like it never happened.  To this day, on occasion, he gives me a high sign from across the room.  Once, not too long ago, he acknowledges me but I don't react because his wife was sitting on my left, telling me her latest woe-is-me story.  I pretend to be a regular person but I feel like a creep.  And my heart hurt.  Marni is oblivious cause that's what lots of wives are, clueless.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

First Affair . . . Rewind

I saved a lot of his emails, I followed my gut in this.   I've always been sentimental, a love-note saver.  Looking back, I'm glad I did.  Now trust me, I don't pore over them on a routine basis like a love sick doofus.  I rarely open the program in which they're saved.  But there comes a time in every one's life when you just need proof that something happened, that you were justified in reacting like you did, a reminder that you weren't unhinged to trust.  After all, HE'S the one who forgot what he said, not me.  That's my problem, I remember.  Lately he's fond of saying that his feelings weren't static, heck, I had to look that up to understand it.  Oh, feelings change.  Well, mine didn't.  Not until lately anyway. 

So let's wind it back to the beginning . . . the innocent first emails.   Try not to doze off while you read, I'll warn you, they're run of the mill, benign.   A couple weeks into our communications though, there it was, plain as day, a bona-fied FLIRT.   See for yourself (in red) . . .

Gail works with numbers in his career, I won't give away his profession.   When he refers to King's Island, back in 1974, that was our big deal Senior Trip.

(along the way, I'll be changing names to protect the 'innocent')

11/13/07 9:07 pm

Hey I'm comfortable with my age, sounds like it bothers you. I'm in the office late tonight by myself. Until about 7:00.  What's up with you? The final word huh? You're too funny sometimes. 

If I came to the games would Lacey think anything about us sitting side by side talking extensively? Do you think we would act like adults or teenagers?  I would like to think at 52 we could handle it.

Marni is not analytically minded either. I love the challenge of analysis. I think the reason you're like that is a gender difference more than anything else.  I think you and I are were held back because we both seek comfort zones. I think being more of a risk taker promotes success but it does come with the possibility of failure. Maybe we don't want to fail in any way. Must have something to do with being the first born.

Respond back ASAP with info and also new challenges or revelations.

G

11/13/07 9:08 pm 

I write computer programs using Basic language. It's one of my many hobbies. I
haven't written any for several years now. Among the types of programs I have written are animations, surveying, business. I also wrote a program that would display the day of the week a specific date fell on. Another program I wrote would measure your reaction time in hundreths of a second. The computer would render a beep at random intervals and you would strike a key on the keyboard after you heard the sound and the program would calculate how long it would take you to respond.

11/13/07 9:08 pm 

It would be difficult to call you at home but not at work on my end. If you asked me to stay I would be chicken and decline. But it's exciting to have random thoughts and I know we all have them including Marni.

I know what menopause sex is like because Marni hasn't had a period since about 47 years old. It may not be as frequent as it used to be but It's pretty darned good. I think we would surprise most people in the bedroom because they see us as traditional and conservative. But they would be wrong to assume that. If you are curious I'll tell you to some degree some time.

11/13/07 9:08 pm

Other hobbies:

Photography including doing my own film & print development. Also digital photos.

astronomy - I have an 8" inch ..................... diameter telescope (did I make you blush?) 

hiking & biking , I love being outdoors!

music

reading

archery but not to hunt. target practice only.

fishing


FAVORITES

color - anything blue I don't really detest any colors

foods- pizza, good steak, milk chocolate. I can't say I avoid any types of food

day of the week - friday because it's close to the weekend

holiday - christmas because of the lights & decorations & food

day I dread - jan 1 thru apl 15 you know why

christmas gift - bicycle, electric guitar

singers - faith hill, celine dion, brooks & dunn, bon jovi, past artists - donnie iris, whitesnake, boston and more.

concerts - transsiberian orchestra nationwide arena 12/27/07 3:00 pm, I can't wait

movie genre - comedy, sci-fi, suspense, sports

favorite movies - blue lions, star trek tng movies, et, national treasure, hoosiers, radio, mr. magoo

off the subject - how long has jay been diabetic? Does he take insulin? how high does his glucose readings go? obviously he has some serious issues with circulation problems. you also mentioned he had an episode with his heart. blockages or rhythum or valves or what?


11/13/07 9:08 pm

Math no problem

That was an interesting final exam! One thing I liked about the test was that it was filled with useful questions that the students would actually use in their lives. Today I'm not so sure. 1895 is about the year my grandfather was born.

I missed by a whisker of being a Nebraskan. My grandfather and his siblings when he was about 12 moved from Fairbury Nebraska to Shade with their mother who had recently divorced.

I have been driving Adam to the school each night for about 4 weeks for basketball practice. He made the JV team the other night. Looks like I'll be continuing my journeys for several more weeks. While I have been waiting on him I exercise by walking the track around the football field. I usually do about 10 or 12 laps.

Anything interesting going on in your life right now? How are you and Jay getting along?  That's kind of a personal question isn't it. You don't have to respond to those questions if you don't want to.

When I was at the school the other night I was pondering my time at good ole ** and could hardly come to grips with the number of years since we had gone there. Now we have children attending school there. Does time pass that quickly or do we have incredible memories that tend to fold the years into a seemingly short pods of time?

Sorry for the deep moment there but I do tend to be philosophical at times. Time to move on for now.

11/13/07 9:08 pm

It's me,

O.K. I'm a little bored today so I thought I would pose a "what if" question for you. If you had it to do over again, how do you see our night at King's Island unfolding?  Don't be embarrassed. We're middle aged adults here. You usually are not lost for words so I expect a 500 word essay.

11/13/07 9:08 pm

You went for the smart ones.  I can't blame you at all for being scared of losing your future with Jay. I knew when I became involved with an engaged woman that I was putting myself in a vulnerable position. It was fun to allow the hormones to flow though. I have to admit when you shunned me it was a pretty bad case of rejection. Maybe you and I at this point in our lives just need to work through these feelings. Much has happened in the 33 years since we were in high school. The most precious things in our lives are our children.  I know the most devastating thing for me would be to disappoint Adam by some unpredictable behavior on my part. I am totally dedicated to Marni and we are best friends. I know these E-mails are a little dicey. Don't apologize for your human feelings because we all have them. I think what you do with them is the important thing.

Marni and I agree that it is logical to love more than one person. For instance when a spouse dies and you remarry. I think just like your kids, you love people differently. I think that's what you were dealing with our senior year. I think just like in the movies, the unfinished nature of our liason builds in the mind into fantasy proportions. Reality tends to bring us back down to earth. Maybe it's our fault for letting this happen.

If I weren't nearly 52 I may have been shocked by your confession about Steve B.  You have to be careful of the quiet ones. Are you like Bill Clinton when he said "I did not have sex with that woman"?

You know I am alot like you. When I was in school I was a chicken. When we went down to the car to see my trophy, I should have taken you in my arms and kissed you. At least we wouldn't have had to wonder all of these years. But that may have just complicated things, so maybe it was just meant to be this way.

Gotto go!

11/13/07 9:09 pm 

The 70's styles were pretty interesting, actually hokie. You credited me with an amazing memory but I want to comment on your gift. I can't put my finger on it but you have this flare for written lingo that is like no other. I'm not sure where this talent should be applied but it's probably not where you are at.

Hey! Did you get my e-mail from Thursday? I can't believe you didn't have any comments on that one. Or was it a case of chickenitis.

11/13/07 9:09 pm

Misconstrued

I don't want you to think I was chastising you in any way about the virtues of fidelity. Making all of those proclamations was directed at myself as much as you. Life even at its best is a challenge and at its worst can be a disaster. I didn't mean to embarrass in any way. One thing you may or may not know about me is that I have a very long fuse. I don't get mad easily and I have never been mad at you.

Now a little humor! Did you ever run your fingers through Steve's curly afro? Write back soon.


PS - Are there times when I could call to chat for a few or do you think that might not work out to well. What is your number again?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, boys and girls, there it is, a flirt, "I have an 8 inch dot, dot, dot, dot, dot."  Right HERE is where the hair on my head began to smoke.  Instead of me being 100% creeped out by his cheekiness, I experienced the most intense body rush.  Whoa.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

What To Do . . What. To. Do.

Writing, for me, comes in spurts; with a topic like this, it's akin to vomiting.  I'll expel all my pent up anger, disappointment, disillusionment, like rancid, fatty pork violating my stomach.  It's been nauseating keeping all this emotion bottled up inside, so as bad as it feels to regurgitate, it has to be done in order for me to feel better.

So my plan is to get it out, drag it into the light of day, to laugh and forgive myself.  You're welcome to take the journey with me.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Passion & Volcanoes

I finally let him touch me.   Angel harps, were those angel harps I heard?   And the rest is history  . . . hot, oh boy, it was hot.  Over the course of many months, we had sex in nearly every room of my house.  On the sofa, on the floor, in the kitchen, in every bedroom, in the shower,. . who knew 'oldsters' could rip off clothes racing to the shower and not fall and break a hip? He's so proud of his naked self, that amazes me.  Struts like a rooster, so cute.  I've seen him pee; I blushed.  He taught me to appreciate my body.  I've always been so damned self conscious, cause thin, I'm not.  And my belly is carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey with three c-section scars in two different directions and an appendectomy scar whose width has all three beat.  I felt like a million bucks when I was with him.  He taught me a thing or two and I surprised him once or twice.   There are still styrofoam blocks strategically placed behind the headboard of my bed put there after we thought it would bust through the wall.  I don't think I'll ever remove them.  I don't ever want to move out of my little house and lose the memories there.  I can feel him there.  It makes me cry . .  still.

when the affair was new, Jay was the grateful recipient of any of my amorous overflow.  Honestly I thought his face would crack from smiling so much.  All I had to do was close my eyes and I was with Gail, but Jay was actually reaping the benefit.  At Gail's house, his wife told him to not ever stop what he was doing, she was getting overflow too.  We were both happy to oblige our spouses.  We had energy to burn.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Two Prudish People Discover Passion!

So there we were, three weeks into a flirting frenzy.  I could picture him constantly checking his email, with a smile on his face, because I was doing the exact same thing.  It was kinda cute, two 'old' prudes, burning up their keyboards between clients and appointments.  Ah, then one afternoon he asked for my phone number, and when I was the only one left at work, he called me.  Funny, I didn't recall his voice but I certainly recognize enthusiasm when I hear it.  Experts call this initial 'love' fog a type of 'intoxication.'  Uh huh.  Days pass and he asks to meet after work to talk.  Now, here's where I drew the line.  I was NOT meeting a married man!  But this wall I had built up around myself was falling away, brick by miserable brick.  He just kept talking to me and I soaked up the attention. 

I drove an ugly, family-type dodge van at the time.  Certainly not a glamorous place for a first rendezvous.  But we were just going to talk, so I met him someplace neutral, in a parking lot right in front of our local mall.  He spots me, hops in.  He's taller than I remember, certainly no John Travolta.  We exchanged small talk . . . seriously, that's all there was to it.  The entire time I expected to be hit by lightening, a divine message of concernation.  Then he asks if I'm going to kiss him.  "No," was my answer.  Then he suggests we drive behind the mall, on the more secluded side to get more privacy.  And right here's where I got the overwhelming urge to jump out my window and run for my life.  My thoughts, "Girlie, this is NOT you.  Get out of here!!!   But I didn't.  I didn't kiss him either or move the van, he seemed mighty disappointed.  Eventually the 'meeting' was over and I drove home.  Once home, in the safety of my living room, I literally paced back and forth, thinking, 'Whoa, what did you almost do??!  Thinking, "Dodged a bullet, didntcha, Sister!?"

Long story short, in the week that followed, he teased me unmercifully for being " locked down like Fort Knox."  So right after the first of the new year, 2008, as if it was a dare, I jumped headlong into a torrid love affair with my senior year flame.  Dummy.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

My Introduction to Open Marriage

It wasn't complicated for me to flirt back, I didn't have to worry about Jay finding out, being angry.  Some time before I contacted Gail, my husband, Jay, and I had had a long talk about our lack of intimacy and it's affect on our marriage.  His E.D. was resistant to the routine prescriptions; they simply didn't help anymore.  I couldn't even remember the last time he had been able to achieve an erection.  Yes, it had been several years. That type of activity was no longer a part of our day-to-day life.  We'd just accepted it.  But one day he made the suggestion that having sex with other men was an option, that I was too young and healthy to not have intercourse.   He said he'd be ok with it.  My reaction?  I cried.  This is not who I am.  I am straight-laced, uptight and fairly prudish.  I was nearing 50 at the time and where in the world I find a willing and trustworthy partner, HOW would I approach the subject with them?   I'm too backward, I can't do that!  So I put it out of my mind.  I let it go.

As time passes, a girl realizes something is definitely missing from her life.  I notice other happy, affectionate couples.  Passion is everywhere, tv, movies, print ads, everywhere.   My grown children have it.  When you can't have something, it's seems like everyone else has it in abundant supply.   I think that's normal.  Then there comes a time when you realize our time is short and if you're going to live to the fullest, there's no better time than the present, the only one holding me back, is me.  My timidity has to go!

So in my world, this unexpected flirtation from an old school chum is a very welcome surprise and I embraced it.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Hello, Old Friend . . . .

Flirt = part of speech: noun, coquette, cruiser, heartbreaker, operator, philanderer, player, seducer, siren, swinger, tease, trifler, vamp, vixen, wanton, wolf.   

What happened to my physical body when I realized I'd been genuinely flirted with, for the first time in 33 years by someone other than my spouse, was nothing short of phenomenal.  I felt a literal sensation flow through me from the top of my head, to the soles of my feet; I didn't know what it was at first.  Please don't laugh . . .  I genuinely didn't recognize it.  On the drive home from work that day it dawned on me; I was sexually aroused.  It had been far too long.  I smiled and thought, 'Oh, now I remember!!"  I felt extraordinarily alive. 

The Other Woman . . . . How Did I Get Here????

There is no person as reviled by a wife like me who's been cheated on, as the 'other woman.'  Me, of all people, should hold near and dear, the lofty aspiration of NEVER becoming that kind of woman.  Yet here I am, one of 'those.'  How does that happen?  Simple really.   I emailed an old school chum, to say 'hello.'  My intentions were, well, they weren't even 'intentions,' I literally just wanted to say "Hi."  During our senior year in high school, Gail and I finally became acquainted, were fast friends, shared study halls and honestly, had a crush on each other.  But that's where it started AND finished.  As was the norm in our rural area in 1974, I was was engaged and planning a wedding that was set to occur right after graduation.  My and Gail's infatuation with each other seemed minor, besides, my life with Jay was going to be perfect. 

I have reviewed the autopsy results of my intentions of October 2007, too many times to count, and concluded maybe, just maybe, need validation of my over-50 self that day.  (as good as an excuse as any)   Ultimately I got so much more than I bargained for.  No one was more shocked than me that a shy woman had the guts to hit the 'SEND' button on that first message then doubly stunned a reply was so swift.

Surely the interaction would be harmless.  Gail had been married decades.  I'd see him and Marnie at school functions, though I don't believe we even acknowledged each other, not even a nod, all those years.  

The 33 years since we'd seen each other in high school soon evaporated, we got caught up with stories of our families, trading tales of trials and tribulations.  Communicating with each other, literally dozens of messages a day, was invigorating.  It was fun and it was innocent.   But not for long.  I blame him for firing the first 'shot.'  He flirted. 

Google Search

Seven years ago I lost my mind and contacted an old school crush.  Blame it on a boring day at work, a google search and a stunning lack of common sense.  What I wouldn't give to go back, erase it from my life history, but I can't.   I did it.  I'm guilty.  I'm a terrible person.  And I pay for my egregious mistake, over and over and over.  

I had no clue why, on that day, his name popped in my mind and I gingerly entered the same in a search box.  If only the phone had rung or a client walked in, life would be so different now.  But, no, scrolling and clicking, I soon found his work photo, professional blurb and there, at the bottom of the paragraph, may as well have been glowing, luring me, whispering, "see me, use me?" his email.  Like a dolt, I sat there, smiled at both as mature reason left my body like a vapor.  Bluntly stated, only fools contact married people of the opposite sex, old friend or not.  If you're ever tempted to do this, wherever you are, get up out of your chair, find the nearest drawer and slam your hand in it . .  there . .  you've 'cut to the chase.'  Just (I'm begging you) DON'T CONTACT THEM!

Ironic such an innocent act like emailing would ultimately birth a seemingly never-ending pain.  May as well call it what it it, PAIN.  Yes, I'm overly-dramatic, you'll learn this.  Though, on the other hand, I tell it like it is.

Seven Octobers ago this introvert mustered up all her courage and emailed a mundane, "Hi, how are you?" to Gail.  A response came quickly and life has never been the same. 





GAIL EDWARD MCPHERSON