Five Years Ago . .

Five years ago today, I had sex with only the second man in my entire 52 years.  It was the day monogamy died for both of us.

It was a perfect 'first time.'  Sigh.  I don't feel any emotion like I did this time last year when I remembered the anniversary. Time does change things.  It's true, it's really true, the pain fades.

Now What?

A girl wakes up one morning and decides life's too short to love someone who can't or won't love her back.  She decides she'll be strong, this time whenever emotion tries to surface, she'll ignore it, relegate it to the recesses of her mind.  Tired of the subtle ache in the center of her chest.  Tired of the gnawing, longing.

But he continues to email.  Nothing grand or romantic, just a reminder that he's there.

I don't have the energy to be angry.  What a mistake this was. 

Time's The Cure, I Promise!!!

Yes, if you've heard it once, you've heard it a million times, time will take care of a broken heart!!!   I agree.  I've stayed off the blog for a couple months, laid low.  I feel better.  My heart doesn't go pitty-pat when he emails me.  I'd like to get past feeling angry though.  What a waste of time!  Yes, I let him email me.  Why?  Lots of reasons . .

1. he should know how wrong he was to choose her and not me.
2. how else is going to know if I don't demonstrate, by my actions, this truth.
3. I know for a fact, he employs, 'outta sight, outta mind.'  I refuse to be either.
4. when I let him contact me and not vice-versa, I KNOW he's thinking of me.  Takes conscious effort for him to email me.  
5. I don't answer right away.  I let him simmer, wonder why I'm not answering.  Again, puts me squarely in the forefront of his thought processes.  Right where I want to be. 

If I can give another broken hearted woman any advice at all, it would be  . . . FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, take control of your life back!!  Make him come to YOU!!   

Need a Better Hobby

Ever the optimist . .  I knew Marni was out of town for a couple days starting today, so asked him if he'd like to grab a quick supper at the diner this evening before he goes home to tend to her livestock.  Now my motives aren't entirely pure.  I know he detests being stuck with her chores, feeding and caring for the animals she raises, a 'hobby' he has no choice but to bankroll and accommodate.  Thought he'd appreciate a pleasant, non-work related conversation.  But he blew me off.  And I've 'boiled' all day about it. 

May 3, 2012

I didn't check my email yesterday because I didn't think you were coming in.

Can't meet tonight but should be able to next week. At least at the park if not for a meal.

 ____________________________________________________________________

As irritating as THAT was, this morning my mood swirled right down the crapper when I inadvertently learned that she was delightfully out-of-town for an entire week.  Wow, all that time bach-ing it and he didn't come up with something fun for us to do.  If this doesn't prove to me that I'm no longer a primary player in his life, nothing will.   I've got to face it, a platonic state is where he wants to live.  Not me, Buster.  So what do I do?  Turn up the heat or roll over and play dead?  

I need a better hobby.

 

April 2009 . . . It Only Gets Stupid-er From Here

Notice a lengthy empty gap of time from November 2008 to April 2009.  Yes, for good reason.  Any emails I received were missing anything meaningful, weren't worth hanging on to, I suppose.  Our relationship went from red hot to frigid, nearly overnight.  I've never cried so much in my entire life.  But even with his 're-dedication' to his marital obligation (he says that, NOT me)  he won't stop sending me messages.  I don't understand his behavior.  Why is he still here?  What does he want from me?  

I tried to 'reach' him, draw him out using every logical tactic, even resorted to using a feminine wile or two.  I was nice, concerned, funny, feigned illness, faked an interest in sports, in him, whatever.  I've tried anything and everything.  Everything but wiping my hands of it, walking away.  Wish I could. 

I assume since he still insists on communicating, that he's reachable.  But as the years pass and interest wanes, I'm beginning to think he's somewhat cruel.  Why else would he pop into my INBOX?  With every "What's up, Bub?"  I also see an imaginary codicil, "but don't interpret this to mean I want you, just here to remind you I'm fine without you."   Uh huh, VERY annoying.  

The emails . .   

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Debbie, thanks for sharing that video clip of that wonderful singer who was 47 and looked

like she was 67. Another glaring example that you can't judge a book by its cover. Why

do we treat ordinary looking people with disdain and adulate good looking people even

though they often lack any talent or skills. I believe Simon when he said something

special was about to happen. He had a smirk on his face before she sang. She had

an opera quality voice. I find it hard to believe that she was not a paid professional singer.

I'm sorry to give you some somber news. Marni's nephew died yesterday in Cleveland Clinic

from complications of his life long battle with cystic fibrosis. He was 41. It was her

deceased sister's boy. Under the circumstances, I think we should postpone our walk

tonight. I should go home to be with Marni. We'll get up there soon, I promise.

Anything new with you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Debbie's note, 2012,  so I tried being the concerned, thoughtful friend)

Gail, I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew, did he have any siblings?  Gonna be tough for Marni, I'm glad she has you.  Take good care of her.    My sincerest sympathies to you all.

It's gonna be a good day today, my girl is going to make the squad, who knows, maybe even varsity; there are a couple slots open there.  Twenty girls are vying for 16 spots and four of them are from middle school, another is Kara Rader, a current freshman - sport jock - never been a cheerleader, can't fathom why she's trying out.  Another high schooler is just plain terrible.  So, realistically, odds are in Lacey's favor.  If she is cut, we'll be OK.  Gotta learn to roll with the punches . . we don't always get what we want in life, but if we still have a pulse, we have a shot to set a different goal.    When I went to Co******e to get Lacey last evening, I parked the van and she and Tanner walked with me to the other end of Co******e and back, 2 miles.  We're going to make this a habit and I look forward to it.

btw . . the best thing you can do for me is to remind me frequently that you are perfectly happy where you are.  I woke up this morning and never felt stronger in every regard, I attribute it to yesterday's phone conversation.  Don't get me wrong, truth is hard for me to hear, but it's foolish for me to hang on to fiction.  So Debbie, get up, put on your big girl panties, (yessur, I used the word!!) and live your life the best way you can.   I'm going to be just fine.   One caveat - I'm horny as all get out, with no outlet . . but that's my problem, not yours.  Whenever we run into each other,  I'll always wince, knowing it was you that resurrected the beast.  But I take responsibility as the one who let her loose.

Susan Boyle was on a couple morning shows today.  Her story is life affirming. . .
read this . . I like point #2.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-blankenship/two-reasons-susan-boyle-m_b_187901.html?view=print

r.e.s.u.r.r.e.c.t.e.d.     . . . there, that's better.  Once a perfectionist, always a perfectionist.

I remember the precise moment the 'beast' rose up . . . I was sitting at my work computer, reading an email with the line  " . . . .  8 inch telescope."  It was so funny . .  my scalp got hot, my heart started to palpitate, the room started to spin, and the rest is history.   What's even funnier, is that I didn't realize it was 'horny' that I was feeling, I literally hadn't felt that sensation in over a decade; what a magnificent rush!

Damn cupid.

______________________________________________________________________

 

Debbie, I'm so glad to hear the optimism in your voice this morning.  Most of all I want

you to be happy and confident in the new Debbie.  We limit ourselves by living with the

confinement of shackles.  Every day is a new day full of opportunities.  We can't waste them

because they are too precious.  I am happy with my life.  I believe that you're happier than you have been in some time too.  Even if we don't continue having sex, I still want to visit and email and talk and walk. There's no reason why your family and my family can't continue our friendship.  Heck we may even take that trip to the OBX.  We can't escape our religious convictions.  You and I were both brought up with these values. The sex we've had was very good, but the reason I feel close to you goes way beyond that.  I feel like I've known you a long time. This is not a goodbye as far as I'm concerned.  I hope you feel the same way.

David B*****rry was his name.  He was born July 4, 1967.  At the age of 2 he was diagnosed

with cystic fibrosis.  About 5 or 6 years ago he had a heart/lung transplant.  He has 1 brother

Michael.  His dad was born and raised in Ireland not far from where you guys used to live.  His

farm is there where Linda lived/lives.

_____________________________________________________________________

(Debbie's note, 2012, yep on occasion I invoked martyr status, that usually backfired, made me furious . . note the following)

Gail, good to see your relief in words..  I regret I was so stupid and selfish to think it was real, all I can do is beg your and God's forgiveness.

_______________________________________________________________________ 

Gail's again . . .

You know that video brought tears to my eyes.  What an incredible voice.  We should never make fun of people unless it's in a loving way.

I don't want you to treat it like a "how could I be so stupid" sort of thing.  We will always

have a special relationship. 

You know I think it's fantastic that we are enjoying our kids so much through these

high school years.  I wish I could be a little mouse at the prom.  I'm looking forward

to watching Lacey cheer next year too.  I'm kind of discouraging Adam from playing basketball

next year.  I'll honor his wishes however.

I can feel the pain of separation with him getting to the age he is.  My pain!  I'll miss him

immensely.  You know I heard it expressed this way. At first you give your kids roots.

Then you give them wings.

BTW did you know that coach Ellcessor resigned or actually did not renew his coaching

contract for next year. Adam was looking forward to playing for him next year.

_____________________________________________________________________

(Debbie's note, 2012, OK . . then I'd get mad again.) 

Gail . .  ok . ..  maybe I'm not stupid . . no, I'm definitely stupid for buying your line of bull all these months. . . you have got to be the most insensitive jerk on the planet.  

How can you not know how much this hurts??!    Because you're not me . .  that's why.  You begged me to go along with you .  . .  my problem is that I was at a low point and was easily convinced.    you begged me . . come on . . come on, baby.   You want to experience this before you leave this life.   

one positive thing  . . .  I thought nothing could hurt worse than what Jay did to me . .  I was wrong, this hurts more.    Now what he did to me, and how I felt then, is pale in comparison.            

Now don't take this personally . .  I'm saying it in love (some crap you would say) and I'm boiling mad.     I'm stronger now than I was with Jay . . and since that's the case . . .I never want to see or talk or walk or share or remember I ever knew you or was stupid enough to think you cared or you were anything other than a man cheating on his wife.   This is a nightmare.  And if I don't have a heart attack today . . . I'll live to be 1,000.

_______________________________________________________________________________

(Gail again)    Debbie, I never led you on.  What I said was real.  I just underestimated the long range effects of the guilt.  I feel like you baited me into this discussion today.  I don't appreciate that. I still want to be your friend.  You can't tell me that you haven't felt guilty too.  I wish you wouldn't do this, because it seemed like you had genuinely come to a point of resolve.  I guess that was false.

_______________________________________________________________________

 

Gail . .   HOW DID I BAIT YOU?!   I came to work today in a terrific mood . . I had reached resolve, as you put it.  But you misunderstood my resolve . . resolve to do what? 

this was my resolve,  the resolve YOU misinterpreted 

I know you love your wife and your life and I am never going to pursue you, hoping to take her place.  All I ever hoped to do, was hold a place in your heart, be loved.  Be loved by you for who I am, all I ever wanted.  I hoped I could augment your life . . . stay quiet in the background and steal some minutes every now and then (nothing like last year, that was fueled by hormones and newness, I know that)   I felt patient this morning, perfectly content to wait weeks and weeks if it meant you wanted to be with me, sometime, somewhere.  It's you who mentioned never having sex again, out of the blue.   It sent me reeling.   I can't be around you and not feel desire.  I can't lie to you.   I hate myself right now for feeling it.  

I don't know how to deal with the guilt and I sure don't know how to help you . . I'm not that intelligent.  I would slog through heaven and hell to make sure she never knows. 

On the flip side, why do I have to deny what I feel?  We have one shot at living . . ONE.    You're the brainiac that taught me that gem.   "we can love more than one person at one time"  Once convinced,  I just opened up the flood gates and let myself fall in love without abandon.   Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be content and happy to secretly share a man.  I found myself perfectly willing to do that this morning.  

If you don't want me . .I will learn to not want you.    Well, heck, today's discussion may go a long way to kill the desire . .  I shouldn't sell myself short.   It will kill it deader than a hammer.  Maybe I will be able to speak to you at ballgames.     I can't tell you today.    I'm dying.   

_______________________________________________________________________

  

Debbie . . 

 

You may not read this, but I have to send it.  What would happen to Marni if she found out about

us. S he is at her wits end with her dad's illness and now her nephew has passed on.  She needs my support.  Debbie, you can be angry and cynical, but I never used you to get some cheap thrill.

I can't make you feel otherwise, but it's true.  Please don't be so upset.

_______________________________________________________________________ 

and my response to him  . . 

What would happen to Mary if she found out about us.

this is exactly what I don't like about me and you .. . I don't understand why we think so much alike.  I've been running this same thing through my mind, over and over, the past couple of weeks.  It's been driving me to distraction. 

I can't even believe I will go on to explain.  Have to prove to you I've been thinking it.

• even if it stops, dead, today . . neither of us can change what has happened.   You can't    pretend it didn't happen.  You can't pretend your marriage is perfect.  You just can't do it.  You can only go on from here, do the best you can.  The guilt is as permanent as having your leg cut off.  Not negotiable, what's done is done. 

•  I don't care what any expert advises, you cannot confess to her.  I speak from cold, hard experience  IGNORANCE IS BLISS.

• again, from experience, if people are careful, spouses may never know.  These things can go on indefinitely, you're not getting slapped with a paternity suit in this case.

• I have no desire, whatsoever, to rat you out.  That's just not in me.

•  if confronted, I'd never admit it, Sweetheart, this is not your typical "other woman."  If you confess to her, I'll tell her you're nuts and a liar.

•   if Jay would ever say anything, who they gonna believe, me or him (with HIS history??)

if you really love me, and walk away . . how you gonna live with that?      If it's not love, then this is not an issue.

WELL WASN'T THAT A MESS!?   I TOLD YOU I THOUGHT IT THROUGH, IN DETAIL.

_______________________________________________________________________ 

 

Debbie,

I love you but I can't keep telling you that because I felt like it would make a difficult

situation worse. I love my wife and am more obligated to her.  You certainly understand that.

You know when you won't allow us to be friends or to email or walk it makes me feel like you only want me for sex.  You have to believe me when I tell you I enjoy your company.  You can love two people at once, but it's awkward and does have some pitfalls.  I'm sorry that you feel like I entered your life at a vulnerable time.  I didn't know and don't want you to feel like I took advantage of you.

(Debbie's note 2012 . .  note his feeble attempt to roll this back on me!  No matter how I pleaded or told him us being 'just friends' was illogical, he'd try to make me feel guilty like I was leaving HIM!!)

 

_______________________________________________________________________ 

Gail,

I NEVER WANT YOU TO TELL ME YOU LOVE ME out of obligation to me.   NO WOMAN wants that.   Be with her, out of obligation.  Be with me, because you want to.   

well you sure don't know what it's like to be me. It physically hurts to be near you and not touch you.  I can't control loving you.  Cutting me off from affection, is like drowning me.
I don't even understand the concept of sex without love.   Use you for sex?   Can't do it, my dear.   My life would be easy if I could only use a man for gratification.  I don't work like that.  

Awkward, but not impossible.   And, God knows, difficult situations should be skirted at all costs. (sarcasm)

You sure don't want to live your life by telling people you love them . . that's no way to live.   I don't know what to make of you.    

I am not going to beg you to be with me . . . live your obligated life and be happy.    Know that I loved you . . . dearly.    Was willing to risk Hell, it was that good.

I've embarrassed myself enough today to not ever be able to face you again.

I believed you loved me but you just couldn't deal with it.  I thought you were really clever, a problem solver . . no wonder I was #3 in 1974. 

___________________________________________________________________

(Gail again)

Thanx Debbie, you still make me laugh. The part about you want your death to be a surprise

I thought was a hoot. Yeah, there will be future times.  I'm glad we at least have a better understanding of what's going on here.

The fact we don't know each other as well as we thought is no reflection on our intelligence or

intuitiveness. We've never had extended periods of time where we could talk or just observe

each other dealing with other people.  You can tell a lot about someone if you watch how

they treat other people. I've never known anyone as animated as you and I don't know how

to take you sometimes.

So what are you doing up there?

My appointment is over now.  BTW I have to take Marni to Columbus tomorrow so they

can look down her throat.  She has a hiatal hernia.  They sedate her so she can't drive.

I'm gonna call our future get togethers healing sessions.  We obviously have not been

communicating with each other and I think there has been too many inferences drawn

from emails etc.  BTW stop it.  You told me to tell you that.

Sent: Sunday, April 19, 2009

Morning Debbie.  As you can see from this email it's Sunday morning and I am at work.  I have

to go to the funeral Monday so I wanted to let you know I wouldn't be at work. I still have quite a bit of work to get done this month so I thought I had better come in today and get busy.  I've been thinking a lot about Friday and I hate the feeling.   want you to perk up today, because I want to further discuss these issues we've been dealing with.  I don't want to deal with all of this via email however.  It's a terrible way to communicate, especially with something as charged as this.  Now for the rest of the day I want you to relax and try to pick yourself up. 

Sent: April 28, 2009

It baffles me what sets you off sometimes.

When I said you would be wrong again, it was the remark you made about how

I was a higher priority in your life than you were in my life.  Now you know

from past history that I don't like to have you diminish what I feel for you.

Bottom line is that you matter a great deal to me.  That was all I meant

by the whole thing.  I guess we can't expect each other to be mind readers.

 

You'd be wrong about me again.  Am I being baited here?  Well I must confess I feel these

months have enhanced my life too.  I don't feel so much guilt for loving you as I feel guilt

for not being faithful to Marni.  I am not proud of that.  When we have gotten together it has

been intense and exciting.  I think the differences in our needs and circumstance dictate what I call the desperation factor in our relationship.  For example it would be harder for you to terminate our intimacy than it would be for me.  My home life is more satisfactory for me than yours is for you.

BTW if you go out in your driveway and look straight up about 10:00 you'll see the big dipper.

It's upside down though. 

You know I just about sent you an analysis on infidelity and said to myself I don't

have the energy or desire to do that.  Yes indeed we are good moral people.  We are

not monsters.  We love our kids and want the very best for them.  And yes we have

loved each other and I'm not sorry for that.  If we weren't so insecure about ourselves

we wouldn't be devastated when someone had an affair.  

 

You've got it right now my dear.  I really do care about you.  Why else would I have sent all of

those emails etc., etc.  The sex is just icing on the cake.
 

I figured there was no use running from you, since I couldn't hide.  I guess for the rest of my life I'll just have to put up with you. (humor)

Nov. 2008, Let the Confusion Commence

Almost exactly a year elapsed from the beginning to the end of the torrid phase of our affair.  To this day, he disputes he planned it this way.  Liar.  You don't wake up one day and decide to never again say "I love you" to someone.  Please.  He is a precise man, not spontaneous.  I contend this entire episode played out according to a fixed agenda of his crafting.  The man played me.  I was naive enough to believe in romance and  thought I was blessed by some kind of special, favorable Karmic-type dispensation overlooking our rotten, adulterous behavior.  Hilarious, Debbie.  I was severely, optimistically delusional.  

Arriving home after our overnight visit, I had this unshakable sense of dread.  When I got to work the following Monday, the tone of his messages was different.  Looking back, I don't know why I didn't save those first November messages, they're nowhere to be found.  I vaguely remember asking him what's wrong and everything went to Hell from there.  Any terms of affection were conspicuously absent, setting off my internal alarms.  No "OMG, Baby, I had the best time of my life!"  No "you were worth waiting 34 years for."  No "I can't wait till we can do this again!"  

We'd just experienced the night-to-end-all-nights, everything about it was stellar.  But then, NOTHING.  heavy sigh  . .

Nothing IS something !!

My son was being married on November 16 and the first two weeks of this month were brutal.  Along with all the pressing last minute wedding details, my private, personal life was falling apart; my heart was breaking.  And I had to hide it.  I have NO idea how I survived, I just did.  Gail was pretending that my gut instinct was absurd.  Many months later he conceded my female intuition was dead-on.  He admitted he didn't have the courage to tell me face to face that he didn't wish to continue our physical affair after that night.  He literally said he assumed I get the message from the change in email content and dropping off of visits.  Creep.  To this day he insists it had nothing to with me, I did nothing wrong, that it had EVERYTHING to do with his growing guilt.  It was the ole, "Baby, it's not you, it's me" crapolia.

He didn't shut me out cold turkey, still hasn't.  I believe, just like me, he finds it difficult to make a clean break.  He tries to maintain some sort of semblance of a 'special' relationship.  But I know it's over.  Any and all interactions were NEVER the same. The warm, funny, caring, loving, charming Gail I'd know that first year, was gone, replaced by an uptight, staunchly-monogamous 'stuffed shirt.'  

The funny thing is, we did and still do, go through spells of psuedo-affection.  You'll note in these emails, although he's trying to tell me it's over, he's still interested in getting together, being intimate.  It was strange, that's what I recall.  One minute we're 'up,' the next we're 'down.'  We got together, had sex, between six to ten more times.  Singularly the most confusing time of my life.  Now, I'm more angry than anything.   I'm hoping the negative emotion continues to propel me forward and away from it.  I take it day by day.  


After all this, I have this still, small voice in my head that tells me he loves me, that he can't cope with losing me entirely.  Ah, but my other loud, proud voice is railing at me, urging me to leave his sorry ass alone, send him back to his wife, full-time.   That I should send him off with a brisk, GO TO HELL, LEAVE ME ALONE!!   I've actually done that more than once in the last three years.  But with him, it doesn't work.  Why doesn't it???

Sent: Tuesday, November 11, 2008 

Morning Debbie, I made it to St***rt at 5:20 yesterday.  Not bad considering I left work at 4:10, went to Tr*****, did my business and drove to the school from there.

So what did you do until 5:30?

The weather forecast for next Friday evening looks cold and cloudy.  No star gazing for us.

I was hoping it would be clear so I could show you a few things.

Listen Debbie, don't you just shut me out that fast.  Even if we cool this way off or

decide to stop, I've got to work through some of these things with you.  I don't want

us to revert back to the level of friendship we had after high school which was essentially

none.  I feel a level of obligation to you too.

(Deb's note 2012:  ew, every girl wants to be some man's 'obligation')

Debbie, I want you to know it has been 12 of the best months of my life.  I'll never

feel differently than I do now about that.  A wonderful, exciting 12 months.  But it has also

been nerve racking and complicated at times.  I feel like a hypocrite when I go to

church.  I do believe in fidelity and commitment and wedding vows. The fact remains I

fell in love with another intelligent, wonderful woman.  Do you remember one evening at 

Eclipse back about the time your Grandma passed away, I said something that eluded 

to the fact that maintaining this relationship would be hard for a long period of time?

It made you sad and perhaps a bit angry.  The theme continued to surface from time

to time including things you have said.  We knew it would eventually come to a point 

where we are at now.

I'm going to ask you something that I know you are not comfortable with.  I would like

to meet you at Sells Park some evening after work so we can talk about various

things and talk about our futures and what not.

Hey btw what about my birthday gift? You can take that as humor. 

Sent: Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Honey, I don't hold that grudge any more, but it did take me a few weeks to get

over it.

What we have shared has been very intimate, way beyond sex.  We have opened

up each others minds. That's the most intimate thing two people can share.  I

don't want to give the impression that this is no big deal.  I want you to be O.K.

though, no stupid thought patterns or despondencies. (sic)

______________________________________________________________________

To which I replied . . . 

I'M NOT OK . . DON'T TELL ME TO BE OK??!

no stupid thought patterns or despondencies?

how dare you!    I'm not so selfish that I wouldn't think of my kids first.  Give me a f*ckin' break!

you don't know me at all

________________________________________________________________________

Sent: Wednesday, November 12, 2008  

Debbie, I can't tell you how sorry I am for this past 24 hours. The last thing in this world

I ever wanted to do was hurt you and because of my stupid timing I have done that. You

have to believe that I had no intention of telling you about Marni's admission of the insecure

feelings she was having.  I just emailed you with the information as a matter of conversation.

It just went downhill from there.  I am truly sorry that this happened the way it did Debbie.

Sent: Monday, November 17, 2008   

Yea, she was emailing me on the alumni account.

When will you know if I can come down tonight and make wild passionate love to you?

You know I've never seen an ugly bride, and Polly's no exception. You looked very pretty

in your dress too my love.

I hate to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I thought marriage was a two way street.

I don't like to entertain a bunch of people.

We've got an hour and a half tonight my dear. I don't plan on doing much talking so get it

out of your system now.

Cheryl was telling me about her trip. I think she wants me. Ha, ha!   

I think you were a little over dressed for the ER.

Are you going to love me up tonight? I can't get that blowjob out of my head.  It

was kind of a delayed response.  At first it didn't seem like a big deal, but the

more I thought about it the more erotic it became. 

Sent: Tuesday, November 18, 2008 

Morning again darlin,

I don't like the cold weather this early but I love this time of year.  I love the feeling of

the holidays, the lights, the food etc. Plus lots of basketball games.  We have a scrimmage

at At**ns high school Saturday morning at 10:00 I believe.

BTW I guess Jake's dog now is officially yours.  He was a little sassy with me last night.

I didn't want to advance toward the house with him acting like he was.  I'm pretty good at

reading a dog's body language.

Aren't you excited about Christmas this year?  I want to see your decorations and your tree.

Last year around Christmas was the first time I drove by your house.  It was during the day

and Adam was at ball practice.

In Sherry's email she said the cabin had a private pool but that she sure wasn't gonna be

skinny dippin with all of those people around.

Sent: Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Honey, I'm really sorry that that happened. I had no intention or plan in place

to terminate our relationship.  Coupled with the wedding coming up just

sent you off in a tailspin.  We can't let a dumb thing like that happen again.

We will have to continue to be vigilant with our meetings though.

Sent: Thursday, November 20, 2008

That's an interesting question about Adam's taste in girls.  I'm not sure what his preferences

are.  I know the girls are all over him where ever we go and he barely grunts at them.

My seeming lack of interest is more a function of patience than anything.  I know that we have

limited times we can see each other, so I accept the spans of time in between. 

What the heck are you doing?  Awfully quiet up there.
 

Patience is not an all or nothing thing. It's a matter of degree.  Your at one end

and I'm somewhere on the other side of the spectrum.   

Absolutely fucking yes I have craved you!  I had a case of the craves Monday night.  Couldn't you tell?

Our Night To Remember

The night I spent with Gail, let me tell you all about it.   It's been 3 1/2 years so I don't remember every tiny detail, but I'll relate what I recall.  Jay drove me to work that day.  I'd packed a small bag, stashed it under my desk.  At the end of the his day, Gail called my favorite Chinese restaurant, ordered what I suggested; he'd never eaten Chinese food before.  Too funny, who lives 52 years in this country and not try Chinese food??  He parked on the street, out front of my office. 

Once Sherry left, I was free to run down the stairs and jump in the vehicle with Gail.  My heart was pounding; he was smiling ear to ear.  Grown people smiling like Cheshire cats, how disgraceful.  Nothing beats what's comes next, I had to slip into the back of the van so I could scoot down, so as not to be seen by neighbors as we neared his house.  During the 10 minute drive to their farm, I fully expected to be hit by lightening.  I wasn't.  He pulled into the garage, shut the door.

It's strange walking into another woman's house, making yourself at home.  I wasn't raised this way my mother might have insisted.  I don't dislike Marni, she's a wonderful person.  I didn't do it to hurt her, I did it because I loved Gail.  His willingness to go to these lengths, indicated to me, something wasn't quite right in his marriage.  What happily married man does this?!!  So I was 99% guilt free.  Still am.  I sat my bag next to their king-size bed and we ate dinner at their dining room table, the same table where they eat their family meals, yes, it was a little bizarre.  He enjoyed the General Tzao's chicken.  Gee, what's NOT to like?  ha ha   The man ate with gusto, all the while we talked like two people very pleased to be spending time together.  Smiling, talking, anticipating.

When dinner was finished, I cleared the dishes while he tended to chores.  Feeding and watering animals on their farm took about 45 minutes.  Don't recall what I did to pass the time.  Probably watched CNN or something.  One thing I didn't do, was snoop, as odd as it sounds, I respected I was in another woman's territory.  Funny, I could 'violate' her monogamy, but not her 'privacy.' 

Once it got dark enough for the stars in the night sky to become visible, he set up his infamous 8 inch (dot, dot, dot, did I make you blush?) telescope on the concrete pad outside the basement.  Once it was assembled, he gave me a step ladder to stand on so I could look through the eye piece.  I cannot describe how it felt to get my first look at the vivid colors of The Seven Sisters through a strong telescope.  Words escape me.   I was full . . fulfilled . . complete.  (2012 I'm thinking . . oh honey, what a romantic sap you were!!)

Gail pointed out the big dipper to me too; that time of night it sat on the horizon just above the tree line.  It literally spanned the sky, one side to the other.  He explained how it changed position and size.  Magnificent.

Once his prized telescope was gingerly disassembled and placed back in it's box, covered with the red cloth, he grabbed my hand, said, "Come with me."  We walked several hundred yards, in the privacy of the darkness, across the gravel road and up behind his late mother's small house, up to the top of a knoll.  We sat down in the soft grass, staring at the black vastness dotted with glittering stars, planets, taking it all in.  Then we laid down, staring up for the longest time in near silence, the only noise, the rhythmic sounds of each others breaths.  In rural parts of the country, the sky is immense, undisturbed by streetlights, etc.  It was the end of October, we wore jackets, but weren't cold.  I can't remember if we said much, if anything at all.  Yes, it was romantic and it didn't take long to become passionate in that breathtaking setting.  I remember he was on his back, we kissed and I stroked his chest, my hand sliding inside his shirt.  I recall we didn't remove any of our clothes, and when I straddled him it became apparent clothes were a hindrance, so we walked back to the house.

Two steps into the house, in the darkness of his living room, our clothes fell to the floor.  He made love to me standing up, he made love to me on the sofa.  It was bliss.  The touch of his skin against mine, drove me crazy.  (Why can I still feel it?  I shouldn't be able to still feel it!)  I have no idea how long we stayed out there.  But at some point we stopped, shared a shower, and ended up in their bed.  The one thing I clearly remember about sex in their room that night is that when I went down on him, several minutes later, he put his hands in my hair, gently pulled my head up and asked if I minded if he cum in my mouth.  I did not and he did.  I'll never forget that it was not unpleasant; that I loved the sensation of him finally letting go completely with me.  I felt connected to Gail like never before.

We had to have rested a little, we weren't 'spring chickens' after all.  But know we had sex until we were 100% exhausted.  It was divine.  It was about 2 a.m. when we couldn't hold our eyes open any longer and drifted off to sleep.

I recall waking up several times in the night to go to the bathroom.  Why do I think that's important to note?  I think I was nervous, I was so embarrassed thinking he'd think something was wrong with me.  No, just nerves.

A little before 8 a.m., I was awakened by a gentle kissing on my neck and I smiled when I remembered where I was, next to Gail.  He whispered he had to get up, go do chores.  Tough to live on a farm, I suppose.

When chores were done, we fixed breakfast together. I showed him how to cook bacon in the oven and he was in charge of eggs.  The meal finished, I cleaned the kitchen.  Again, strange to be standing at her sink, watching him walk to their barn, out their window.  Again, a feeling of total guilt-free contentment washes over me . . .  me . . the me that's cleaning up any evidence that I'd been there. 

This Saturday we watched the Bruce Willis movie 'Armageddon' sitting next to each other on the couch.  The first time he'd seen it.  We ate lunch.  I have little recollection of any other 'activity.'

I was with him till sundown.  Then it was time to go.  I was very careful, we both were, to make sure everything I'd packed in my bag, got back in the bag, not left behind.  Two 50+ adults, both on our hands and knees searching every inch of the bedroom floor, sweeping for evidence. It was the first time he seemed a little nervous.

I don't remember if he was clingy or reluctant to see me go.  Surely I would remember if he had been.  I don't recall if we talked on the drive to the pick-up point.   I thought we'd had a grand time, a much-anticipated culmination of 34 years of primal want.

Sad as I look back, I felt satisfaction, he felt, well, DONE. 

Two days later when I get back to work, he's a different Gail.  I don't think I ever heard another genuine 'I love you."  Within a few weeks, I get the 'we can still be friends' spiel.  Wish I had known he had already made up his mind to end it, that our 'night' was the end.   It hurts more than you know.  I now doubt my ability to 'read' a person.  I obviously don't possess that ability.  I thought he loved me.  I don't want the memories anymore. 

October 2008 . . Prude Like Me

October 2008, the first and only time, to date, I ever spend a night in another man's bed.   It was a big deal for a prude like me.  I was defying all the rules, regulations and covenants I'd been taught since birth.  Ew, 52 years worth.  Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!!   I still recall the feeling of liberation, short-lived as it was.

Sent: Monday, October 6, 2008

  

You can choose to believe that that's all there is in it for me, but you would be

wrong. You know my dear that I'm into the whole act just like you are. You should

be able to tell the way I touch you and gaze into your eyes that I'm into it. Besides

you admitted this morning that we truly made love Saturday. I had to take the opportunity

to get you going though. Love to tease you!

 

Hey don't pick at every word I use. Overanalyzing again. Act as in sex act. The process.

Are you calling me a jerkwad?

Fair is fair! I think you and I hold a little piece of us from each other. It's

understandable based on the dynamic of the relationship.
 
I'm not a casual fling kind of guy. Since we are not married, I don't think it's plausible

to let everything go "balls to the wall" . Let's you and I agree at this point to be a little

guarded. Don't get all serious on me here.

I'm bold! I may wake you up after all.

You know even though we have sent hundreds of emails, had sex maybe 20 times, spent

time at the rock, bike path etc., we still have a lot to learn about each other. Our time

has been affected by pressures, time constraints etc.  On the other hand, do you think we

ever really know anyone in a deep sort of way?

I have a method of evaluating people for depth of personality.  I don't pay attention to how they

relate to me.  I watch how they treat other people. When you are choosing a mate, this works

well I think.  Enamored lovers always treat each other well until they get married.  Many women

are shocked by their husband's personality shift after marriage.

Sent: Tuesday, October 7, 2008 

Morning to you dear.  Since you won't call me this morning, I thought I would send
you a longer than normal email.  I want you to understand how I'm put together

emotionally.  First of all men tend to have level feelings about things in life compared

to women.  Don't judge normal men by some unrealistic Hollywood standard.  Just

because I don't do cart wheels, it doesn't mean I'm not enjoying something immensely.

Now let's talk about this past Saturday.  Debbie I am being honest when I say Saturday

was the best Saturday I've had in years.  Loved everything about it.  The sex was the

best we've had.  Quit being such a perfectionist. BTW can a perfectionist tell someone

else to quit being a perfectionist? 

When you go into the SP mode (self protection) you get a little pissy with me.

I could tell you were annoyed last evening. That makes me feel like I've done

something wrong or I have disappointed you.

Tell me about the conversation with Leah going home last night. Also tell me again

what was said by you, Angie and Sherry about me being your boy friend. What about

the newspaper clip? 

BTW don't analyze what I have written down to the micro level looking for some

hidden meaning or code. You know that makes me crazy.

Sent: Wednesday, October 8, 2008

 

I know that they haven't gone very far, but as time passes they will.  You did the right thing.

Sounds like you love Lacey like I love Adam.  I adore my boy. I'll miss him when he leaves home. So she was offended by the mention of getting the pill.  What are you going to think when in a year or so she says "mom, I was thinking maybe I should go on the pill"?

 

Hey wait a minute.  I was not the one that created the acronym MILF.  It's my understanding

that the I in MILF stands for like, not love.  Gesh, give me a break.

I love to f*ck you.  I love it, I love it.  Now I suppose you'll refute what I just said.  You'll

say I just said that to wiggle out of a tough spot.  If you believe this, you'd be dead wrong.

You are a jewel, you know that?

You like to tease me and it's mutual.

Jewel by my definition is a very affectionate, fuzzy feeling about someone.  It's good.

You know every once in a while you make me smile and or laugh.  Sometimes you

exasperate me.
 

The question is do you chose, choose, oh shit I know which it is, do you?  Do you

choose to be multidimential.  (sic)  You'll most likely avoid oldtimers disease.   

Too late my LOVE, you're already demented.

 Sent: Friday, October 10, 2008 

O.K. you whipped me into submission. It's the best f*ck I've had for months.  Probably

is in my all time top 5.  Can't recall cumming twice in a coons age.

Sent: Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Debbie I was teasing you about living together instead of marriage based on

your mood and fear of medical issues.  I'm sorry I heaped that on you with

the kind of day you had yesterday.  That was stupid timing. I understand

why you would be frustrated.  Please forgive me.

I'm going to lunch now.  I'll let you know when I get back.

  

Beautiful sunset!  I have to admit it exceeds the one I saw up home.

Did you accept my apology?  I think you did.  It's hard to tell.  I don't

expect you to stifle your feelings, I just feel like you're directing

your anger at me.

 

Debbie, I believe it's possible too.  I know I've been preaching patience, but it's hard

to be patient when you want something in the worst way.

Next Monday Adam will have open gym.  Let's arrange to meet and work through

some of the issues that are troubling you.  I sense that you are pulling away

from me.  You said we would never make a 12 month anniversary.  Makes me

think you've been thinking things that you haven't shared with me. 

(Debbie's Note . . this is good indicator that my gut instinct was picking up some sort of ripple of impending doom.  LOL   4 years later it's easier to chuckle about it.  But at the same time, whoa, I was sensing it was coming down the pike.  Notice how he poo-poos it.

He thinks I haven't been sharing with HIM??!!!  Yes, really IS laughable to reread that.  By this date, he knew darn good and well he was preparing to 'walk' away from me. )  

This is pretty heavy stuff to deal with in the middle of tax returns.  After tomorrow it won't

be nearly as busy.  I believe in honest communication.  We'll get together and do some

of that.  You are right in that I am content with my life.  That doesn't mean that I don't

love you and enjoy being with you.  I may not perceive our relationship with the same

set of eyes, but don't invalidate my feelings and involvement for/with you.

Sent: Thursday, October 16, 2008 5:42:18 PM

 

O.K. here is my analysis of time spent with you.

  1. Your office 4 times - 5.00

  2. My office - 1.50

  3. The Mall- 1.00

  4. Bike path - 15.00

  5. Lake - 1.50

  6. West St. - 8.00

  7. Ball games - 30.00

  8. Your house, sex included - 40.00

  9. My house sex included - 14.00

10 The Rock  - 15.00

11.Carver in truck - 2.00

12. emails 475. times a factor of 50% -  237.50 

Total hours  = 370.50

Now, since not even married couple spend 24 hours a day together I'm going to prorate

the hours into normal living arrangements for couples.

365 days times 24 hours = 8760 hours in one year.  

People sleep 8 hours a day so that becomes non relationship time.  
They also work 8 hours a day for 261 days, so this is non relationship time.

Let's redo the math. 365. x 8. = 2920.  this is sleep hours

                                   261 x  8.=  2088.  this is work time

**** 8760 less 2920 less 2088. = 3752. available hours for a relationship. 

* Our hours together are based on 11 months. 

So if you annualize (sic) 370.50 that equals 404 hours in one year 
                                          404 hours divided by 3752. available hours = 10.77% 

365 days times 10.77% = 39.31 days or 5 weeks 4 days 7 hours and 26.4 minutes 

So we have spent the equivalent couples' time together of 5 weeks 4 days 7 hours 26.4 minutes together.

See much more than you thought.

There Debbie goes again, RAMPING up those numbers, sensations etc.

If the only meeting that didn't do anything for you was the first, I guess that makes me

99.99% effective.  Wait a minute, didn't the first meeting provide thoughts of what

a good looking guy I was or something like that?  And besides how can that meeting

be shelved as non eventful when I pulled the condom and lube out of my jacket and scared

you to death.

If Adam has open gym Monday and if it is 6:00 to 8:00, I think meeting at your place

would work out. I could stay until about 7:30. 

I'm leaving at 4:30. You're a jewel! One of a kind for sure. Just remember not to

overanalyze stuff.
 

Have a good weekend. I'll talk to you on Monday.

Love you!

Sent: Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Since I'm sending you an email, you'll probably call me on your phone.

Wonderful visit with you last night. The sex just seems to get better each

time we're together.  BTW I like the idea of Jay taking you to work on the

31st.  I could park the van in front of your office and you could slide right

in the side door and we could be on our way.  I could return you home

Saturday evening after dark.

How are you today?  Did you and Jay tangle last night?

Let me know when you get in.  I'm sure you will!

  

We don't know what our futures hold, but I promise you I'll never forget these days.

Case in point, the song you sent me was sung in 1978 by Paul Davis.  He died April

22, 2008 of a heart attack at the age of 60.

Debbie we may never be married, but I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart

as I tear up here, our intimacy I'll cherish until the day I die.  As much as I have enjoyed

this intimacy, I have a deeper love and concern for you as a person.  I want you to be happy

and live your life with gusto and confidence.

Hope I'm not too serious here since you seem so up and funny today.
 

I like the term I used this morning to describe you.  Evolution!  Our personalities are

influenced by life events.  I believe that we have a core personality that changes little,

but we are tweaked through life experiences.  You have definitely changed more over

the past year than I have.  I believe that it has been for the better even though from

a moral standpoint it may not seem that way.  If you ever leave Jay he will blame me

in part even though you assure him that it was your awakening that caused it.

Hypothetical - Let's put the physical aside for a moment.  Do you think you could

be happy with Jay if he treated you differently, in ways that appeal to you?

As we get older Debbie the sex will wane and eventually nearly cease, but the mind

must flourish and provide a reason to live, a hope or interest that makes it worth

living.  This is why I believe deep friendship ultimately is the most important thing.

We are profound today, aren't we?

I am looking forward to you spending the night with me and it's not because

of the terrific sex we'll have either.  I want to know and for you to know what

makes us tick.  Should be great fun.
 

Oh I know that lunar pimples are your invention.  It's just the kind of remark

you might hear on a sitcom or SNL.

I'm leaving at 4:30 and BTW you are more full of shit than I am. 

Sent: Monday, October 27, 2008 

The sex will be some time after dinner.  Maybe after we look at the stars.  Stay horny

and don't masturbate.  I'm gonna wait too.  As a matter of fact I'm going to try

something we have never done.  You're going to have multiples before I ever

cum for the first time.  I want you to bring your tens unit with you.  We'll get wired too.

I hope you don't mind cumming several times.