Thursday, April 24, 2014

Mind Over Matter . . .

On the drive to work, an oldie came on the radio and it stirred pleasant sensations and thought patterns.  Poof, instantly a fantasy is born.  I want to email him and tell him what I'm seeing in my mind.  I want him to read the words and suddenly squirm uneasily in his office chair.  I want to tell him that I can feel my hands on him, that the heat off my palms radiates through the fabric of his shirt, making him a little crazy.

I have a knack for writing down explicit details in such a way that he usually responds favorably.  I know he likes it.  The anticipation of his reaction, wakes up my skin. 

And, if I'm lucky, when he reads my email, he'll miss me.

But then another thought fights to the surface; it's a mental image of the proverbial good and bad, the prissy angel and winking devil, one on each shoulder.  What are you doing, Debbie??  The man has made it clear, there will be no more sex.  Why do you waste your time?

I reluctantly let logic and reason take over and set about to quell the heated blood coursing through my veins.  Here's how to make it stop, my own personal hint to you . . . . dredge up negative things about your relationship and about him.  This method puts love in a headlock, slowly chokes the life out of it.  Recall the annoying or odd things, the 'red flags.'  Drag 'em out and put them on display in the clear light of day.  STOP looking at him through a lovey-dovey fog.  So I talk to myself, "The man cheats.  He left you at the pinnacle of the relationship, no warning.  Despite your pleas, your pain, he demoted you, placed the two of you firmly in the friend-zone.  Accept every bit of it!!  Know it."

Stare at the negative for a few minutes, let it soak in . .  then feel your hormones calm down.  I assure you, this method works.  For me, it works well enough that I no longer crave sending him a sexually graphic email right now.   These should be reserved for a man who would appreciate them.  That's not Gail.

Texts

Gail and I text.  I don't know why.  From my standpoint, it's a mystery.  He rarely has anything to say, nothing I can 'sink my teeth into' anyway. Superficial exchanges bore me to death.  But I confess I dread losing even this tiny bit of connection.  Trust me when I tell you I've tried to stop communicating.  I'll wake up with a sense of quasi-empowerment, with a determination that today, I will not glance at my phone.  I can go several days now without texting, so that's progress. Last week, we only 'talked' briefly on Monday.  A week passes with no "what's new?"   Then  I noticed the text box pop up, semi-thoughtfully studied it, then deleted it, imagining myself as him, ignoring any number of my messages in the past.  I don't relish pretending to be an ass even if it is to prove a point.  But I didn't respond.  The very next day, he messages again, wonders what I'm doing.  I cave.  Sigh.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Bad Days

I read something recently that when you miss someone, you just have to miss them until the day comes you don't miss them anymore.  There is no getting around it.  You have to experience it, work through it, no side-stepping or ignoring or wishing it away.  

Yesterday was a rotten day from an emotional standpoint.  Didn't plan to think about it, didn't expect to feel any emotion, but there it was, hot and heavy, and draped across my shoulders, weighing me down like a lead jacket. 

It's completely annoying to feel anything after all this time.  It's absurd, that's my opinion.  Tell ya a secret though, as much as I detest the loss of 'love,' I can't abide this deep anger toward another human being, but it surfaces nonetheless, seething rancor.   I try to ignore it, get busy to keep my mind off it.  What I should do is just admit to myself it's there, acknowledge it, feel it and let it dissipate.

This morning it was still there, festering, the hostility.  God, I despise it.  I don't want to hate anyone.  Maybe I was wrong to sidestep a confrontation when it was clearly needed.  I should have looked him in the eye and asked the tough questions and insisted on answers.  There should have been shouting, literal finger-pointing and hands gesturing wildly in the air.  But we were mature, civilized adults, so we didn't indulge that step.  He assumed I'd 'get the message' and all would be well. eventually.  

What he didn't allow, is for me to get closure.  Ya big dummy, great, the 'door' will always be cracked open enough that negative emotion will slip through when I least expect it.  


Thursday, March 6, 2014

A Fool . . .

"Any man is a fool who doesn't know how lucky he is to have you."  Repeat this until you believe it, please.

Playing it cool, when it goes against who I am, is no easy feat.  Me, I love deeply, passionately.  Something in me is broken, the fact that I even think about him, proves this.  

No affection, no time, no sex = NOTHING.  NO woman should debase herself by loving a man who gives her nothing.  Ah, but I have his undying, life-long friendship, he would argue, and that I should be happy for that.  

I'm not.


Friday, February 21, 2014

Locked and Loaded

Today I pull the trigger.  Today I put this doomed, damned excuse for a 'friendship,' out of it's misery.   I'm sick of watching it suffer.  What was good is long gone.  Irredeemable.  The sun is shining, I feel confident and strong; I'm picturing this sick, twisted, un-fulfilling psuedo-friendship as a sadly diseased animal writhing in excruciating pain.  In one last act of kindness, I'm putting it to sleep, giving it and ME, peace. 

My bruised heart deserves to be free.  For opening myself up, for loving Gail, I grant forgiveness to myself, TODAY. 

                                                                                                             

Now that was romantic, don't you think?   In reality, it's not that difficult to let go.  His leaving left a void that I can't let stay open.  It's not healthy.  If Lacey were to tell me someone treats her like I have been treated in the last four years, I would be frank and honest, tell her to let go.  I need to heed my own advice.  I deserve better.  

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Loooooooong Email

We navigate spells of contact / no contact.  Yesterday was a day of back-n-forth texting, it'd been awhile since we've done that.  Weighed on my mind all evening, a couple things he 'said.'  I sent him a lengthy message today.

It was a rare loooooooooong email to Gail . . .

QUESTION: Debbie lives out-loud, in living color.    ANSWER: yes & no

and is it Nature or nurture?  

I am a boring human being for the most part.  I'm an introvert.  I love peace & quiet.  Am most content with a book or a camera outdoors, am invisible and like it like that.

my mother & father were / are even tempered, slow to anger, slower to express happiness.  I did not witness wide swings of any emotions in their household.  Ever.  If they felt deep emotion of any sort, they kept it under wraps.  During death, during divorce, during happy times, it was nearly impossible to tell who was feeling what.  I was there when they brought four more babies home, those had to be happy times.  I was there when my mother found my baby brother dead in his bassinet, when my grandmothers raced in to try help her save him, worked feverishly massaging him to get the blood flowing in his extremities, turn him pink again. (have heard the heartbreaking stories)  Have no conscious memory of the event.   Don't know if I've ever even seen my mother tear up, talking about Steven in the decades that have passed since then. (but sure she did)  She did cry however, when Tim died.  But I wasn't 2 when that happened, so remember.

I felt joy, pure elation, when I became a mother.  True, it was not the best of births, kinda scary, but you understand that since Adam had a rough start.  But it was still JOY, actually the first time I'd cracked into that emotion.  I've conceived, experienced that rush of excitement of creating a life, exhilaration, 4 times.  Not just once, but 4.  You can't even wrap your head around that.  I've held my newborn children in my arms 3 times!!  Felt that overwhelming sense of purpose and intense love, 3 freakin' times.  I still look at them, my heart swells, it's JOY.  

Early in pregnancy 3, July 1993, I woke up, padded to the bathroom to pee, instead turned the water red with blood.  It was a Sunday morning.  You can't even imagine the fear.  No panic, just quiet.  Went to the ER, yes, tests show I was pregnant, but no image could be found on the ultrasound.  I went home to wait.  Within a few hours, I began to labor, a real labor, and it genuinely hurt.  Then, quite simply, I wasn't pregnant any more.  I had to watch things pass from my body, wonder why and what might have been.  I didn't fall apart, grieved quietly. 

Know I've told you this, but bears repeating: had minor surgery a few days after that and three months later, conceived Lacey.  JOY again.  Right before Christmas '93, bleeding again, severe. Assumed the baby was lost.  O.B. did an ultrasound, told me fetus was gone but sent me for a second scan.  I sat in that waiting room, listening to carolers in the halls, me wanting to scream.  But no, showed little emotion, had to hold it together, cause that's what adults do, hold it together.  An hour later, I learn that indeed she WAS alive, I saw her breathtakingly beautiful beating heart.  Maybe that's when I started letting JOY out.  I can still feel that moment, laying on that table, turning my head and seeing her beating heart, realizing she was still coming to me, still puts a lump in my throat.  THAT MOMENT CHANGED ME.

I've watched 2 children marry, felt JOY.  I've held 4 grandbabies, felt JOY.      Someday when Adam marries, you will remember me, recall what I said, you will feel JOY.  Someday when you hold your warm bundles of grandchildren in your arms for the first time, you will remember that Debbie said you will feel JOY, your heart will swell and it will take your breath away.

Frankly, when I was with you, whether you like it or not, I felt JOY.  You've seen it expressed firsthand and may have formed a skewed impression of me overall.  Around you, I let that JOY out.  Normally I'm sedate.  Hey, I had no idea connecting with a man could make me react that way, but it did.  My love for you was genuine.  Know how I know?  Because, like my children, I would do anything to make them and you, happy.  Even if that means not being with you.  Whatever it takes.  If where you are makes you happy, then be there.  FINALLY, I experienced real unconditional, romantic love. 

It wasn't returned to me for long . . so what? 

Which brings us to a darkly humorous subject . . . my so-called FEAR OF REJECTION.   Honey, I USED to fear rejection.  Past tense.  These days I eat & sleep with rejection, I bathe in rejection, it surrounds me.  I chuckle that it seems it's something I can count on.  But what's to fear?  Life goes on.  Some of the terrible things I have only imagined happening to me, have happened, I have survived them.  Afterwards, I've not assaulted anyone, ruined anyone's life by running my mouth, so I think I've handled rejection pretty damned well.  Not gonna pretend I like rejection, but I'm sure not afraid of it. 


Driving to work on Tuesday, it occurred to me it was Jan. 28.  Then realization of the date.  Wow, this was the first time in 5 years that I did not remember the anniversary of Jan 23, the day I stopped being monogamous, with you.  Wow, didn't remember it.  Good for me!!!    This past year alone, I have felt rejection, over and over and over.  Know you go to the bike path without me  . . .  damn, rejection.  Just a 3 word text on my birthday, no birthday walk / meeting . . . rejection.   You haven't bothered to see me alone in a year, not in the spring, in the summer or the fall  . . . big, fat rejection.  Survived it.  Sure, rather have you like me, want to spend time with me, even if it just a snippet now and then, but if you don't want to, I don't want you to.  I deserve better than that.   You deserve it too.

And NO I'm not mad at you.  Just felt good to get all that out."

Monday, September 16, 2013

After Months . . .

I haven't seen Gail in person since earlier this year, in February.  Saw him Friday night at the high school football game.  I intentionally seated myself far away from where I knew he and his family would likely be.  Had NO intentions of scanning the crowd for him or approaching to speak.  Wished to keep distance between us.  

He sought me out.  Sigh.

I spotted him coming towards me, I deliberately turned away, talked to those around me.  He tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention.  Oh God.  We exchanged pleasantries.  Inside I'm screaming.  In my head I'm imagining throwing up my hands to the crowd . .  shouting . .  "Can you believe this married man cheated on his wife, f*cked me??!!"  

No, I politely chatted.  And I didn't feel a thing, while he talked, that is.  

We talked for maybe 10 minutes.  blah, blah, blah   Then he walked away.

Then it happened.  The air cleared.  Colors became more vivid, the air more crisp.  Damn.  He affects my blood.  Damn, damn, damn.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Progress

You haven't seen me in a while.  This is progress, I suppose.  Do I feel better?  Maybe.  Do I still love him? I really don't know.  Are we still in touch?  Yes, we are.  Texts connect us.  Even after all this time, we 'talk.'  After he's hurt me more than any other man has?  Yes, even then.  I feel differently now.  My heart doesn't feel like it's ripping, anymore.  

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Five Years Ago . .

Five years ago today, I had sex with only the second man in my entire 52 years.  It was the day monogamy died for both of us.

It was a perfect 'first time.'  Sigh.  I don't feel any emotion like I did this time last year when I remembered the anniversary. Time does change things.  It's true, it's really true, the pain fades.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Now What?

A girl wakes up one morning and decides life's too short to love someone who can't or won't love her back.  She decides she'll be strong, this time whenever emotion tries to surface, she'll ignore it, relegate it to the recesses of her mind.  Tired of the subtle ache in the center of her chest.  Tired of the gnawing, longing.

But he continues to email.  Nothing grand or romantic, just a reminder that he's there.

I don't have the energy to be angry.  What a mistake this was. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Time's The Cure, I Promise!!!

Yes, if you've heard it once, you've heard it a million times, time will take care of a broken heart!!!   I agree.  I've stayed off the blog for a couple months, laid low.  I feel better.  My heart doesn't go pitty-pat when he emails me.  I'd like to get past feeling angry though.  What a waste of time!  Yes, I let him email me.  Why?  Lots of reasons . .


  1. he should know how wrong he was to choose her and not me.
  2. how else is going to know if I don't demonstrate, by my actions, this truth.
  3. I know for a fact, he employs, 'outta sight, outta mind.'  I refuse to be either.
  4. when I let him contact me and not vice-versa, I KNOW he's thinking of me.  Takes conscious effort for him to email me.  
  5. I don't answer right away.  I let him simmer, wonder why I'm not answering.  Again, puts me squarely in the forefront of his thought processes.  Right where I want to be. 
If I can give another broken hearted woman any advice at all, it would be  . . . FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, take control of your life back!!  Make him come to YOU!!   


Friday, May 4, 2012

Need a Better Hobby

Ever the optimist . .  I knew Marni was out of town for a couple days starting today, so asked him if he'd like to grab a quick supper at the diner this evening before he goes home to tend to her livestock.  Now my motives aren't entirely pure.  I know he detests being stuck with her chores, feeding and caring for the animals she raises, a 'hobby' he has no choice but to bankroll and accommodate.  Thought he'd appreciate a pleasant, non-work related conversation.  But he blew me off.  And I've 'boiled' all day about it.  
                                                                                                                                  

FROM: GAIL 
May 3, 2012
TO: DEBBIE

I didn't check my email yesterday because I didn't think you were coming in.

Can't meet tonight but should be able to next week. At least at the park if not for a meal.

                                                                                                                                   

As irritating as that was, this morning my mood swirled right down the crapper when I inadvertently learned that she was delightfully out-of-town for an entire week.  Wow, all that time bach-ing it and he didn't come up with something fun for us to do.  If this doesn't prove to me that I'm no longer a primary player in his life, nothing will.   I've got to face it, a platonic state is where he wants to live.  Not me, Buster.  So what do I do?  Turn up the heat or roll over and play dead?  

I need a better hobby.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

April 2009 . . . It Only Gets Stupid-er From Here

Notice a lengthy empty gap of time from November 2008 to April 2009.  Yes, for good reason.  Any emails I received were missing anything meaningful, weren't worth hanging on to, I suppose.  Our relationship went from red hot to frigid, nearly overnight.  I've never cried so much in my entire life.  But even with his 're-dedication' to his marital obligation (he says that, NOT me)  he won't stop sending me messages.  I don't understand his behavior.  Why is he still here?  What does he want from me?  

I tried to 'reach' him, draw him out using every logical tactic, even resorted to using a feminine wile or two.  I was nice, concerned, funny, feigned illness, faked an interest in sports, in him, whatever.  I've tried anything and everything.  Everything but wiping my hands of it, walking away.  Wish I could. 

I assume since he still insists on communicating, that he's reachable.  But as the years pass and interest wanes, I'm beginning to think he's somewhat cruel.  Why else would he pop into my INBOX?  With every "What's up, Bub?"  I also see an imaginary codicil, "but don't interpret this to mean I want you, just here to remind you I'm fine without you."   Uh huh, VERY annoying.  

                                                                                                                                   


FROM: GAIL 
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

Debbie, thanks for sharing that video clip of that wonderful singer who was 47 and looked like she was 67. Another glaring example that you can't judge a book by its cover. Why do we treat ordinary looking people with disdain and adulate good looking people even though they often lack any talent or skills. I believe Simon when he said something special was about to happen. He had a smirk on his face before she sang. She had an opera quality voice. I find it hard to believe that she was not a paid professional singer.  I'm sorry to give you some somber news. Marni's nephew died yesterday in Cleveland Clinic from complications of his life long battle with cystic fibrosis. He was 41. It was her deceased sister's boy. Under the circumstances, I think we should postpone our walk tonight. I should go home to be with Marni. We'll get up there soon, I promise.
Anything new with you?

                                                                                                                                   

(Debbie's note, 2012,  so I tried being the concerned, thoughtful friend)

Gail, I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew, did he have any siblings?  Gonna be tough for Marni, I'm glad she has you.  Take good care of her.    My sincerest sympathies to you all.

It's gonna be a good day today, my girl is going to make the squad, who knows, maybe even varsity; there are a couple slots open there.  Twenty girls are vying for 16 spots and four of them are from middle school, another is Kara Rader, a current freshman - sport jock - never been a cheerleader, can't fathom why she's trying out.  Another high schooler is just plain terrible.  So, realistically, odds are in Lacey's favor.  If she is cut, we'll be OK.  Gotta learn to roll with the punches . . we don't always get what we want in life, but if we still have a pulse, we have a shot to set a different goal.    When I went to Co******e to get Lacey last evening, I parked the van and she and Tanner walked with me to the other end of
Co******e
and back, 2 miles.  We're going to make this a habit and I look forward to it.

btw . . the best thing you can do for me is to remind me frequently that you are perfectly happy where you are.  I woke up this morning and never felt stronger in every regard, I attribute it to yesterday's phone conversation.  Don't get me wrong, truth is hard for me to hear, but it's foolish for me to hang on to fiction.  So Debbie, get up, put on your big girl panties, (yessur, I used the word!!) and live your life the best way you can.   I'm going to be just fine.   One caveat - I'm horny as all get out, with no outlet . . but that's my problem, not yours.  Whenever we run into each other,  I'll always wince, knowing it was you that resurrected the beast.  But I take responsibility as the one who let her loose.


Susan Boyle was on a couple morning shows today.  Her story is life affirming. . .
read this . . I like point #2.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-blankenship/two-reasons-susan-boyle-m_b_187901.html?view=print

r.e.s.u.r.r.e.c.t.e.d.     . . . there, that's better.  Once a perfectionist, always a perfectionist.

I remember the precise moment the 'beast' rose up . . . I was sitting at my work computer, reading an email with the line  " . . . .  8 inch telescope."  It was so funny . .  my scalp got hot, my heart started to palpitate, the room started to spin, and the rest is history.   What's even funnier, is that I didn't realize it was 'horny' that I was feeling, I literally hadn't felt that sensation in over a decade; what a magnificent rush!

Damn cupid.
                                                                                                                                  

FROM: GAIL 
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

Tuesday, Debbie, I'm so glad to hear the optimism in your voice this morning.  Most of all I want you to be happy and confident in the new Debbie.  We limit ourselves by living with the confinement of shackles.  Every day is a new day full of opportunities.  We can't waste them because they are too precious.  I am happy with my life.  I believe that you're happier than you have been in some time too.  Even if we don't continue having sex, I still want to visit and email and talk and walk. There's no reason why your family and my family can't continue our friendship.  Heck we may even take that trip to the OBX.  We can't escape our religious convictions.  You and I were both brought up with these values. The sex we've had was very good, but the reason I feel close to you goes way beyond that.  I feel like I've known you a long time. This is not a goodbye as far as I'm concerned.  I hope you feel the same way.

David B******** was his name.  He was born July 4, 1967.  At the age of 2 he was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis.  About 5 or 6 years ago he had a heart/lung transplant.  He has 1 brother Michael.  His dad was born and raised in Ireland not far from where you guys used to live.  His farm is there where Linda lived/lives.

                                                                                                                                   

(Debbie's note, 2012, yep on occasion I invoked martyr status, that usually backfired, made me furious . . note the following)

Gail, good to see your relief in words..  I regret I was so stupid and selfish to think it was real, all I can do is beg your and God's forgiveness.

                                                                                                                                   

FROM: GAIL 
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

You know that video brought tears to my eyes.  What an incredible voice.  We should never make fun of people unless it's in a loving way.

I don't want you to treat it like a "how could I be so stupid" sort of thing.  We will always have a special relationship. 

You know I think it's fantastic that we are enjoying our kids so much through these high school years.  I wish I could be a little mouse at the prom.  I'm looking forward to watching Lacey cheer next year too.  I'm kind of discouraging Adam from playing basketball next year.  I'll honor his wishes however.

I can feel the pain of separation with him getting to the age he is.  My pain!  I'll miss him immensely.  You know I heard it expressed this way. At first you give your kids roots. Then you give them wings.

BTW did you know that coach Ellcessor resigned or actually did not renew his coaching contract for next year. Adam was looking forward to playing for him next year.

                                                                                                                                   


(Debbie's note, 2012, OK . . then I'd get mad again.) 

Gail . .  ok . ..  maybe I'm not stupid . . no, I'm definitely stupid for buying your line of bull all these months. . . you have got to be the most insensitive jerk on the planet.  

How can you not know how much this hurts??!    Because you're not me . .  that's why.  You begged me to go along with you .  . .  my problem is that I was at a low point and was easily convinced.    you begged me . . come on . . come on, baby.   You want to experience this before you leave this life.   

one positive thing  . . .  I thought nothing could hurt worse than what Jay did to me . .  I was wrong, this hurts more.    Now what he did to me, and how I felt then, is pale in comparison.            

Now don't take this personally . .  I'm saying it in love (some crap you would say) and I'm boiling mad.     I'm stronger now than I was with Jay . . and since that's the case . . .I never want to see or talk or walk or share or remember I ever knew you or was stupid enough to think you cared or you were anything other than a man cheating on his wife.   This is a nightmare.  And if I don't have a heart attack today . . . I'll live to be 1,000.

                                                                                                                                  

FROM: GAIL 
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

Debbie, I never led you on.  What I said was real.  I just underestimated the long range effects of the guilt.  I feel like you baited me into this discussion today.  I don't appreciate that. I still want to be your friend.  You can't tell me that you haven't felt guilty too.  I wish you wouldn't do this, because it seemed like you had genuinely come to a point of resolve.  I guess that was false.

                                                                                                                                  
 
FROM: DEBBIE
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TO: GAIL

Gail . .   HOW DID I BAIT YOU?!   I came to work today in a terrific mood . . I had reached resolve, as you put it.  But you misunderstood my resolve . . resolve to do what? 

this was my resolve,  the resolve YOU misinterpreted 

I know you love your wife and your life and I am never going to pursue you, hoping to take her place.  All I ever hoped to do, was hold a place in your heart, be loved.  Be loved by you for who I am, all I ever wanted.  I hoped I could augment your life . . . stay quiet in the background and steal some minutes every now and then (nothing like last year, that was fueled by hormones and newness, I know that)   I felt patient this morning, perfectly content to wait weeks and weeks if it meant you wanted to be with me, sometime, somewhere.  It's you who mentioned never having sex again, out of the blue.   It sent me reeling.   I can't be around you and not feel desire.  I can't lie to you.   I hate myself right now for feeling it.  

I don't know how to deal with the guilt and I sure don't know how to help you . . I'm not that intelligent.  I would slog through heaven and hell to make sure she never knows. 

On the flip side, why do I have to deny what I feel?  We have one shot at living . . ONE.    You're the brainiac that taught me that gem.   "we can love more than one person at one time"  Once convinced,  I just opened up the flood gates and let myself fall in love without abandon.   Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be content and happy to secretly share a man.  I found myself perfectly willing to do that this morning.  


If you don't want me . .I will learn to not want you.    Well, heck, today's discussion may go a long way to kill the desire . .  I shouldn't sell myself short.   It will kill it deader than a hammer.  Maybe I will be able to speak to you at ballgames.     I can't tell you today.    I'm dying.   


                                                                                                                                  
  
FROM: GAIL 
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TO: DEBBIE
 
You may not read this, but I have to send it.  What would happen to Marni if she found out about us. She is at her wits end with her dad's illness and now her nephew has passed on.  She needs my support.  Debbie, you can be angry and cynical, but I never used you to get some cheap thrill.

I can't make you feel otherwise, but it's true.  Please don't be so upset.

                                                                                                                                  

FROM: DEBBIE

Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TO: GAIL

What would happen to Mary if she found out about us.

this is exactly what I don't like about me and you .. . I don't understand why we think so much alike.  I've been running this same thing through my mind, over and over, the past couple of weeks.  It's been driving me to distraction. 


I can't even believe I will go on to explain.  Have to prove to you I've been thinking it.

  • even if it stops, dead, today . . neither of us can change what has happened.   You can't    pretend it didn't happen.  You can't pretend your marriage is perfect.  You just can't do it.  You can only go on from here, do the best you can.  The guilt is as permanent as having your leg cut off.  Not negotiable, what's done is done. 
  •  I don't care what any expert advises, you cannot confess to her.  I speak from cold, hard experience  IGNORANCE IS BLISS.
  • again, from experience, if people are careful, spouses may never know.  These things can go on indefinitely, you're not getting slapped with a paternity suit in this case.
  • I have no desire, whatsoever, to rat you out.  That's just not in me.
  •  if confronted, I'd never admit it, Sweetheart, this is not your typical "other woman."  If you confess to her, I'll tell her you're nuts and a liar.
  •   if Jay would ever say anything, who they gonna believe, me or him (with HIS history??)
if you really love me, and walk away . . how you gonna live with that?      If it's not love, then this is not an issue.

WELL WASN'T THAT A MESS!?   I TOLD YOU I THOUGHT IT THROUGH, IN DETAIL.

                                                                                                                                  
  

FROM: GAIL 
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

I love you but I can't keep telling you that because I felt like it would make a difficult situation worse. I love my wife and am more obligated to her.  You certainly understand that.

You know when you won't allow us to be friends or to email or walk it makes me feel like you only want me for sex.  You have to believe me when I tell you I enjoy your company.  You can love two people at once, but it's awkward and does have some pitfalls.  I'm sorry that you feel like I entered your life at a vulnerable time.  I didn't know and don't want you to feel like I took advantage of you.

                                                                                                                                   

(Debbie's note 2012 . .  note his feeble attempt to roll this back on me!  No matter how I pleaded or told him us being 'just friends' was illogical, he'd try to make me feel guilty like I was leaving HIM!!)
 
FROM: DEBBIE
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TO: GAIL

I NEVER WANT YOU TO TELL ME YOU LOVE ME out of obligation to me.  
NO WOMAN wants that.   Be with her, out of obligation.  Be with me, because you want to.   

well you sure don't know what it's like to be me. It physically hurts to be near you and not touch you.  I can't control loving you.  Cutting me off from affection, is like drowning me.

I don't even understand the concept of sex without love.   Use you for sex?   Can't do it, my dear.   My life would be easy if I could only use a man for gratification.  I don't work like that.  

Awkward, but not impossible.   And, God knows, difficult situations should be skirted at all costs. (sarcasm)


You sure don't want to live your life by telling people you love them . . that's no way to live.   I don't know what to make of you.    


I am not going to beg you to be with me . . . live your obligated life and be happy.    Know that I loved you . . . dearly.    Was willing to risk Hell, it was that good.


I've embarrassed myself enough today to not ever be able to face you again.


I believed you loved me but you just couldn't deal with it.  I thought you were really clever, a problem solver . . no wonder I was #3 in 1974. 
                                                                                                                                  


FROM: GAIL 
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

Thanx Debbie, you still make me laugh. The part about you want your death to be a surprise I thought was a hoot. Yeah, there will be future times.  I'm glad we at least have a better understanding of what's going on here.

The fact we don't know each other as well as we thought is no reflection on our intelligence or intuitiveness. We've never had extended periods of time where we could talk or just observe each other dealing with other people.  You can tell a lot about someone if you watch how they treat other people. I've never known anyone as animated as you and I don't know how to take you sometimes.

So what are you doing up there?

My appointment is over now.  BTW I have to take Marni to Columbus tomorrow so they can look down her throat.  She has a hiatal hernia.  They sedate her so she can't drive. I'm gonna call our future get togethers healing sessions.  We obviously have not been communicating with each other and I think there has been too many inferences drawn from emails etc.  BTW stop it.  You told me to tell you that.

                                                                                                                                   

FROM: GAIL 
Sunday, April 19, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

Morning Debbie.  As you can see from this email it's Sunday morning and I am at work.  I have to go to the funeral Monday so I wanted to let you know I wouldn't be at work. I still have quite a bit of work to get done this month so I thought I had better come in today and get busy.  I've been thinking a lot about Friday and I hate the feeling.   want you to perk up today, because I want to further discuss these issues we've been dealing with.  I don't want to deal with all of this via email however.  It's a terrible way to communicate, especially with something as charged as this.  Now for the rest of the day I want you to relax and try to pick yourself up. 

                                                                                                                                   

FROM: GAIL 
April 28, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

It baffles me what sets you off sometimes.

When I said you would be wrong again, it was the remark you made about how I was a higher priority in your life than you were in my life.  Now you know from past history that I don't like to have you diminish what I feel for you.
Bottom line is that you matter a great deal to me.  That was all I meant by the whole thing.  I guess we can't expect each other to be mind readers.
 
You'd be wrong about me again.  Am I being baited here?  Well I must confess I feel these months have enhanced my life too.  I don't feel so much guilt for loving you as I feel guilt for not being faithful to Marni.  I am not proud of that.  When we have gotten together it has been intense and exciting.  I think the differences in our needs and circumstance dictate what I call the desperation factor in our relationship.  For example it would be harder for you to terminate our intimacy than it would be for me.  My home life is more satisfactory for me than yours is for you.

BTW if you go out in your driveway and look straight up about 10:00 you'll see the big dipper.  It's upside down though. 


You know I just about sent you an analysis on infidelity and said to myself I don't have the energy or desire to do that.  Yes indeed we are good moral people.  We are not monsters.  We love our kids and want the very best for them.  And yes we have loved each other and I'm not sorry for that.  If we weren't so insecure about ourselves
we wouldn't be devastated when someone had an affair.  
 
You've got it right now my dear.  I really do care about you.  Why else would I have sent all of those emails etc., etc.  The sex is just icing on the cake.
 
I figured there was no use running from you, since I couldn't hide.  I guess for the rest of my life I'll just have to put up with you. (humor)

                                                                                                                                   

Until my dying day I'm never going to understand a person who jumps into an affair with a timeline in place.  Honestly, he never mentioned it when we started.  If I could advise anyone who's considering an extramarital affair, set the ground rules BEFORE anything starts. 

                                                                                                                                   

FROM: GAIL 
May 4, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

Debbie, you don't play the second fiddle worth a dam.  Lots of sour notes. 

Your "sourcasm" was noticed btw!  Drives me nuts.

Is this another day where we spat?

                                                                                                                                   

FROM: GAIL 
May 7, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

My dear Debbie.  I hate to see you beating yourself up over the lack of emails or the change in content in those emails.  You are way over analyzing the situation. I won't deny that the emails and the frequency we are seeing each other has changed quite a bit.  Your coming to my house had absolutely nothing to do with it.  Purely coincidental. I still want to talk to you and discuss the logistics of our meetings down the road.  You know for the first two and one half months of this year we saw each other twice a week at ball games.  Don't you think that helped to ease the need to arrange meetings elsewhere?

You must realize that we couldn't continue the torrid pace we were on and still maintain anonymity.  I would like to get together next week assuming Jay and Lacey's schedules permit.

                                                                                                                                   

FROM: GAIL 
May 12, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

Hey buttercup, thanks for the wet spot in my underwear. You sure are perky today! I know you've been frustrated by our lack of time together, but you're having a great time in your life now, aren't you? At least when you're frustrated you feel alive.  

When you finally climaxed Friday, did you let Jay lick you or did you take over with your fingers?

                                                                                                                                   


FROM: GAIL 
May 14, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

I'll mow tonight even though the ground is wet. See ya Monday. Hopefully the stars will align and everybody will be where they are supposed to be. Be good and have a good weekend.
 
Here's one of my all time favorite songs. Love the melody!

(The Climax Blues Band - I Love You) 

                                                                                                                                    

FROM: GAIL 
May 19, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

(later I made the note "THE END")

Morning Debbie.  I hope you're having a decent day at least.  My evening after I left your house was somber too.  It makes me sad to see you sad. I still have a lot of things I want to talk to you about and do as close friends.  I hope you'll be able to come to a point where we can engage in those times.  I won't say any more except to say I don't look at this as a separation.  I hope you can evolve into feeling the same way.  I won't dictate how you work your way through the process however.  I'll permit you to be sad.  I know you won't believe me, but I'm sad too.
 
Debbie I'm sorry for any pain I have caused you, I truly am sorry.  The love I feel for you is obviously different than what you feel/felt for me.  I think it's a matter of magnitude. Please don't dissect every utterance I spoke to you the past 18 or so months for some hidden meaning.  You know as well as I that people say things poorly at times and that leads to assumptions and misconstrued thoughts.  How I feel about you basically didn't change over time.  How I reacted to everything did change.  This absolutely has nothing to do with what you are or were or were not or will be.  It's just about realizing that long term, short of Marni's premature death, that we couldn't be together or get married (and yes I always felt like if we were free to marry, I would) so I felt like it was best to have a cessation of our physical relationship.  I never desired for us to quit having other types of contact.  Please don't terminate our friendship.  Take some time if you need to regroup, but keep our friendship active. 

You mentioned that if I wasn't into all of this I should have told you.  I think I made it very clear from the start that I would not leave Marni for another marriage.  One night early on at the Eclipse mining town in my truck I voiced my concerns about the long term prospects of our relationship and you became visibly upset.  You do remember that time right?  Debbie I have always been honest with you and last night I feel like I didn't communicate my feelings very well.  BTW I never have viewed you as desperate or out of control.  What I'm saying is that as far as I'm concerned, you're a dignified, talented woman with much to offer.  I have always respected you and I will continue to respect you.
   
No I'm not putting you off and no, I'm not happy.  It sucks!  My love for you was never predicated on sex.  That's why I could keep right on walking, talking, emailing with you and still get something I need from our relationship.  And honey, I don't have any other friends like you.  Quit trying to insinuate that I felt like you were a nuisance.
 
Hey, we might have been foolish for getting involved with each other, but I'm as guilty as you, so quit beating yourself up!
 
Debbie, how many times do I have to tell you that I do love you and I want to be with you and I enjoy our time together.  You won't accept that.  You're not the only one that weeps over all of this.  Why did I feel like I couldn't communicate with you about certain feelings?  Because I didn't think you were willing to listen in earnest to what I had to say, so I just procrastinated dealing with it. 

Debbie, I mentioned to you about my religious convictions and this is a big part of why I need to make this step.  It's also why I can remain your friend.  I don't like the feeling of a hypocrite sitting in church taking communion like I'm a model Christian. 

Please tell me that sometime down the road that we could take that walk and laugh together.  I understand that you may need time to be able to do this. 

I just got your email about not meeting tonight.  Agree!  

(Debbie's note:  I had suggested we meet so I could give him a big box of items he had given me over the months, then I chickened out)

I want for you to think about something tonight or over the next few days.  I won't chastise you for any comments made. I just want you to tell me how you saw us in the future.  What would we be doing a year or two from now.  How would you have me handle the continued guilt of transgressing against Marni and God.  How did you see us continuing to meet and not be caught by family members.  And in your mind, how long would we continue before some concluding time. I'm all ears.

I'll email you tomorrow if you want to.
 
Debbie, one other thing. I didn't say or mean to say anything that dampened the mood last night. The first indication that I was aware of a problem was when you were nose sniffing like you were crying.  I think you and I were tense last night because it had been so long since we had been together.  We were apprehensive about the evening. I had no intention of even discussing our future.  I thought you were very guarded last night.

____________________________________________________________________________

Debbie's note  . . . let me tell you why I was upset, absolutely, yes I remember.  When he got to my house, I was my typical self, thrilled to have him there.  He sat on the sofa, I gave him a big hug, purred, "Did you miss me??!"  He looked right through me, flatly answering, "I told you not to ask me questions like that!"  The coldness of his tone shot right through me.  I didn't have enough backbone to stand up and ask him to leave.  Honest to God what was WRONG with me!!!??  I let him have sex with me but started crying right in the middle of it.  Once it was over, I opened the back door and pointed to it.  "No hug?" he said.  Again, I just pointed, like the Angel of Death.
The next morning he asked why I seemed distracted the night before, I told him.
_______________________________________________________________________________
  
FROM: GAIL 
May 20, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

Lunch now! I am totally dumbfounded why I would answer your question like that. That's not at all my nature.  See how miscommunication and assumptions can get people in trouble.  Debbie I can tell you with all of my heart this whole think has nothing to do with you as a lover/person.  It's me trying to deal with my feelings of right
and wrong coupled with the prospects of not only Marni finding out, but Adam and her folks and relatives.  It would devastate them.  It's so unlike me to do something so irresponsible.
 
I have no recollection of ever saying that.  I just can't believe it!  Hey you're talking about a person here that even yourself described as noncommittal, a politician in training.  Like I said before, discussing any issues of ending our sex was not on my agenda for the evening.

Doesn't it bother you that you only get some of me and that barring some unfortunate passing that we'll never be married?  It's not your style to tolerate that.  It bothers me that if we don't go on with our relationship, that you just up and hate me.  I fantasized about being married to you and pondered our young years, but in the back of my mind I felt like this couldn't go on for an extensive length of time.  There was a degree of going forward, throwing caution to the wind for me too.

Here is an interesting point to ponder.  Now coming from a male it has strange credence.  I firmly believe that I could live happily and not have sex with a woman.  Certainly there must be a similar feeling for you.  In other words, I could be happy without intercourse. My question is why are you at the age that we are so needy for sex?
 
I didn't say we were old, but it's mere biology and hormones that drives sexual desire. That just happens to be at it's peak when a woman is in her child bearing years.  I just don't understand why you need me so much. I know what you are saying, but it's hard to comprehend. You go ahead and feel any way you like.  I have no right to impose limits on you.

I'll attempt to be humorous here so cool your jets. Can I take a sabbatical?  That's funny, right?

                                                                                                                                   

FROM: GAIL 
May 21, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

Let me know when you get in and we'll tidy up any thoughts on what we discussed this morning. Are you sure we didn't know each other in another dimension?
 
You know from an artistic standpoint, critics might slam Lobo and his songs, but doggone he had some good ones.  About half of his songs bring tears to my eyes.  And his songs are among the best for slow dancing.

Debbie your last email made my heart feel warm and fuzzy.  As good as our intimacy has been it's still not as important as our long term friendship.  Now I'm not concluding our sex by any means, but it still makes me feel better to hear you say that. 

As far as the advice from Cosmo or whatever magazines suggesting total separation, that might be best for most situations, but I don't know how you could make a blanket statement and expect it to fit all instances.

Hey those numbers you gave me to digest, what was the 364 and 1/2 about?  If my intuition is correct you're probably referring to a solar year as opposed to a calendar year.  BTW that number would be 364 and 1/4 days.  Had to give you a teasing jab, couldn't resist! I insist on one more thing in the future.  Periodically we need to sit down and talk and make sure we're on the same page with each other.  Honest communication makes a person feel so much better.

O.K. it's like bonus points.  You remember the old plaid stamps where you would get a certain amount based on how much you purchased.  Then you would paste them into the booklet and redeem them for gifts. How's that for a blast from the past?

Here is a proposal that's enticing. 1 twelve hour extended episode of sex.

O.K. how about 365    -     2 minute episodes?

Hey, I just realized something. 12 hours of sex a year is more than I have been giving you.  I think I've been snookered!

At least when you referred to it as the "deed", you didn't say the dirty deed like I've heard before. You should ask Sherri if she wants to join us in a threesome. Sometimes I shock the shorts off you, don't I?

Well it's been a good day.  I'm heading outta here shortly.  Try to enjoy the long weekend.  Why don't you just hop in your van spur of the moment fashion and take a ride over to P******burg or T***** or somewhere.   You need to do something different. It helps to keep a person out of a rut.

                                                                                                                                   

FROM: GAIL 
May 29, 2009
TO: DEBBIE

Morning darlin.  Decided to work today and take Monday off.  What's new with you?
 
Not much if any contact in study hall.  I think we ended up going to the library instead because it was more private.  Apparently we had the option of going there in lieu of study hall in the cafeteria.
 
I guess you've been entertaining me.  I'm in a good mood, just not much to say. I don't know the exact month we became acquainted, but I'm guessing it was in the month of December.  If you'll remember we were in the gym watching the movie.  So I guess it's logical to conclude that we were together about 5 months.  Of course it got more torrid as time went on. As far as the wedding, no way I was gonna come to that after you avoided me on grad night.
December = Christmas = movies you know, fun activities before break.
 
You're lucky that Steve didn't stand up in the wedding and say, " I object to this Union based on the grounds that I humped this girl through my clothes just days ago".  Yes my lovely I'll miss you over the weekend.